Sheepwashing

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Sheepwashing
by Mr. Lucas Brice

A shepherd used to wash his sheep,
At night when they were fast asleep,
When they woke up they were quite clean,
They did not know where they had been,
One day he woke before the dawn,
And found out all his sheep were gone,
He searched the meadow and the hill,
But in his quest, he came up nil,
Just when it seemed as he had feared,
His sheep had up and disappeared,
He heard a bleating in the trees,
It was the sheep, it wasn’t bees,
The firemen helped to get them down,
With other people from the town,
He didn’t know and nor do I,
How they got up there, maybe they fly.

Copyright Hornton Publishing Company. All rights reserved.
Original photo by Dickie Anginson.

The Man With the Cat on His Head

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The Man With the Cat on His Head
by Mr. Lucas Brice

A man in New York wore his cat on his head,
His name wasn’t Michael or Thomas or Fred,
In fact, his name was Johnny McCree,
He took the cat with him when he had to pee.

He fed the cat mutton and herring and snail,
He took the cat with him when drinking his ale,
Till one day the bar owner said, “That’s enough,
Get that cat out of here or I’m gonna’ get rough.

“This bar is for drinkin’ a beer, maybe more.
So go on and take that damn cat out the door!”
Johnny looked the bartender right in the eye.
He said, “I’ll tell you a story, I’ll tell you no lie.

“I’ve taken this cat to both Paris and Rome,
And I will take him right out of this god-awful poem,
It’s stupid, it’s crap, a complete waste of time.”
Then he turned and walked out without leaving a dime.

Copyright Hornton Publishing Company. All rights reserved.
Original photo by Paul Stein.

All Lustful Near the Water

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All Lustful Near the Water
by Mr. Lucas Brice

Dark and luminous behind the rain
We bend dark faces within the towers
Dig it! The day was good
Evil and colorful beyond the sky
We find numb brains beyond the tomb
Can you dig it? The bastard keeps going
All lustful near the water
You condemn big spirits below the sea
God! The fun has come
open-eyed altered
saying goodbye
a phone ringing somewhere
In whose heart
the victim
ask his way
not knowing why

Copyright Hornton Publishing Company. All rights reserved.
Original photo by Ashley Webb.

Mr. Lucas Brice Replies to His Fans

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Dear Mr. Lucas Brice,

I am your biggest fan. I love all your poems. I was wondering: What is your favorite cheese?

— Mrs. Lillian Chesterton, Gillingham, Kent

Mr. Lucas Brice replies:

Thank you for writing. It is always a pleasure to hear from my readers. My favorite cheese is called Stinking Bishop.


Dear Mr. Lucas Brice,

I am five years old. My mother says you are Britain’s greatest poet and you make the best poems. What is a poem? Can you eat it? My brother, Gilbert, says you are Father Christmas. I would like a pony. I would feed him poems. And crisps.

— Sarah Turner, Leicester

Mr. Lucas Brice replies:

Your mother is most kind. I’m afraid you can’t eat a poem, but poems do feed the soul. I am not Father Christmas, however, he is a good friend of mine. I will let him know about the pony.


Dear Mr. Lucas Brice,

I have a pair of shoes that have developed a dreadful squeak. Do you know how to mend squeaky shoes?

Cheers,

— John Plowright, Newcastle

Mr. Lucas Brice replies:

One method that I have used successfully is to take some women’s hand cream and put it under the insole of the shoe. When I say “take some women’s hand cream,” I actually mean hand cream used by women, rather than suggesting that you take hand cream belonging to some women, because that would most likely upset them. You do see the difference, don’t you?

If the hand cream method doesn’t work, you could try carrying around a pair of maracas and shake them vigorously wherever you go. The noise of the percussion will cover the squeak emanating from your shoe. If not, people will be distracted by the spectacle.

Chinese Food

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Chinese Food
by Mr. Lucas Brice

Smiling, you know I would,
Walk five miles to eat Chinese food.
You know I love those spring rolls,
Wok fried tiger prawns cooked with garlic.
We’ll keep eating out
While others shout their food is not good.
We could eat chow fun,
Let’s go eat some Chinese food.

Once there weren’t many
Chinese places I could frequent.
Now there are so many, I could never
Try them all out.
We would have some good luck,
With Peking duck and hot and sour soup.
We could eat chow fun,
Let’s go eat some Chinese food.

Copyright Hornton Publishing Company. All rights reserved. Used with permission.
Original photo by Isriya Paireepairit.

Celebrities Talk About Mr. Lucas Brice

Simon Cowell“I like Mr. Lucas Brice. A lot. The poems, the attitude. It’s what the world’s been waiting for. And he’s a real man’s man. Just don’t play poker with him. You’ll end up losing your shirt.”
Simon Cowell, quoted in the Daily Mirror

Alan Davies“Don’t get me wrong, Mr. Lucas Brice seems like a nice enough guy, but his poetry… You know, I can’t tell whether it’s sincere or whether he’s having a laugh at our expense. I’m not opposed to having a laugh, but you have to draw the line someplace, I think.”
Alan Davies, on The Graham Norton Show.

Gwyneth Paltrow“Mr. Lucas Brice is brilliant and I love him. We’ve had him over for dinner and he loves the food I cook. We have great dinner parties at which everyone sits around talking about politics, history, art and literature — all this peppered with really funny jokes. You should hear some of his limericks. I have to admit, some of them are a little over the top and send me down a kind of hippie shame spiral.”
Gwyneth Paltrow, quoted in the Daily Mirror

Original Photos (top to bottom) by Alison Martin, Craig Grobler, Andrea Raffin.