Mr. Lucas Brice Replies to His Fans

Dear Mr. Lucas Brice,

I am your biggest fan. I love all your poems. I was wondering: What is your favorite cheese?

— Mrs. Lillian Chesterton, Gillingham, Kent

Mr. Lucas Brice replies:

Thank you for writing. It is always a pleasure to hear from my readers. My favorite cheese is called Stinking Bishop.

Dear Mr. Lucas Brice,

I am five years old. My mother says you are Britain’s greatest poet and you make the best poems. What is a poem? Can you eat it? My brother, Gilbert, says you are Father Christmas. I would like a pony. I would feed him poems. And crisps.

— Sarah Turner, Leicester

Mr. Lucas Brice replies:

Your mother is most kind. I’m afraid you can’t eat a poem, but poems do feed the soul. I am not Father Christmas, however, he is a good friend of mine. I will let him know about the pony.

Dear Mr. Lucas Brice,

I have a pair of shoes that have developed a dreadful squeak. Do you know how to mend squeaky shoes?


— John Plowright, Newcastle

Mr. Lucas Brice replies:

One method that I have used successfully is to take some women’s hand cream and put it under the insole of the shoe. When I say “take some women’s hand cream,” I actually mean hand cream used by women, rather than suggesting that you take hand cream belonging to some women, because that would most likely upset them. You do see the difference, don’t you?

If the hand cream method doesn’t work, you could try carrying around a pair of maracas and shake them vigorously wherever you go. The noise of the percussion will cover the squeak emanating from your shoe. If not, people will be distracted by the spectacle.

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